Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
