There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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