Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
