Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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