Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
