I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
