god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize