Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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