Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
