mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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