Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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