dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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