'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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