you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
