I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The air was thick with penises
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
