I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
