just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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