Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
