I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
