Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
