No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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