i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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