Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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