You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
