we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
