my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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