i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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