no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
