I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
