Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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