Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
