You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
