glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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