I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
