found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
