they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
