Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
