I will die if light touches me.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
