I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
