A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
