just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
