Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
