So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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