just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
