If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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