you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
