A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
