Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
