cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
