I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Randomize
