one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I smell stomach acid.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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