he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
