he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
