I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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