He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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