It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
