Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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