Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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