Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
